I have to tell you guys a story from a podcast I was listening to just this past week. The podcast is called "Fierce Marriage," and has been my favorite for the past couple of months. For preface, the couple that produces it are Ryan and Selena, and they have two young daughters. In general, they focus on gospel centered conversations surrounding all things relationships and marriage. In their most recent post, they shared a story about their daughter, and man did it strike a chord. I'll do my best to give you the synopsis, but if you want to hear the whole thing, here's the link to "Art of Appreciation." Essentially, their daughter, age four, was being babysat at another house for the evening. When Ryan picked her up, she was just devastated (a little tired) but devastated nonetheless. She went on and on and on about how much fun she had at the sitter's, and how she wishes she could live there. She wished that all the toys that were there could be hers, and even the extent that she could have two mommies." Ryan, was heartbroken. Not because his daughter was looking for a replacement (I mean she's four, and really needed a nap) but because she was going through something we struggle with every day as adults. Coveting. Some of us feel this in forms of craving, longing for, yearning for, lusting for, envy for. And some of us start feeling it at, yes, even age four. If you want to hear how the story ends (it's a really sweet ending) go ahead and listen to the podcast, but for now, I'll give you another version of that same story. For me this was a huge eye opener. I by no means think I am a perfect human being, but I feel like I know what categories of sin are hardest for me (Impatience, selfishness, control issues etc.). But when I was reminded of the definition of coveting I cringed and thought to myself "Let's add that to the list of struggles." But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by their own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death Today, coveting is an everyday occurrence. We don't even think about it when we do it, and we do it ALL THE TIME, and I catch myself doing it most often on, you guessed it, social media. Log on to instagram, see everyone's perfect 4x4 images of life. Log on to Facebook, everyone is accomplishing something. Snapchat, everyone is always doing something fun. The Discover More feed on Instagram might as well be titled "Covet More". I felt sick as I came to these realizations. How often do I wish my life was something else? That my hair was prettier, that I lived where the grass was greener, that I wish I had gone to school somewhere else. How much time do I wish for things that have already been set in stone? And how many times do I forget that for every decision I already made, it got me exactly here. Here: with a husband I love, a puppy I adore, a roof over my head with my bestie, a job that makes me better. Am I really wishing for something else??? I was able to go home last week to hang out with my younger siblings and attend the church I grew up in. During worship I was FLOODED with gratitude. I remember going to church for the first time my senior year (That's right, it took me that long to even willingly step foot in a church,) and even then, I sat in the back corner on the floor. I couldn't bring myself to sit with the rest of the kids, and the second the worship music ended, boom, I was up and out the door. Now? That same girl has served on three mission trips, one campus ministry, and volunteers to be on worship team, And disclaimer, I am NOT saying I have the perfect life, remember last week, I threw a box of bandaids at Luke. What I'm saying is how can I not be grateful! Grateful that life worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Grateful for all the progress. Grateful that if great things can come from bad times, then how many amazing things can come from the best times! How different would our lives look if we were more focused on less on coveting, and more on being content. Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I don't know what this looks like for you, but for me, it was to stop comparing my life to everyone else. To create the standard for contentment as my life. If it is not my life, then it can't compare, because no one else can have the exact same story as me.
No one else can have the exact same story as you either. And that's what makes this life so intricately beautiful. The grass is never greener. Never. It's just different on the other side. You can go and visit, but you should never wish to live there. I was going through the Starbucks line at my local shop the other day (shocker I know), and I was about to spew out my normal order I thought to myself... "Ya know, it's a hot summer day, I'm exhausted, it's only 3pm and I have so much to do, let's make it a venti." For those not familiar with the Starbucks lingo, a Venti would be what one would consider "a large" at any other coffee joint. Normally, a grande ( or medium) coffee would suffice. A typical medium drink for myself has 2 shots of espresso, but for whatever reason that day, I needed 4 extra espressos in my drink. Sometimes it takes a Venti. Sometimes it takes a little more. That particular day, it took a little more caffeine, but some days it takes a little more of different things. A little more patience, a little more energy, a little more time. Man, talk about easier said than done. That same day, the extra shots of espresso were not enough. After running errands all day, cleaning the house, cooking, and working. I was done. I was over it, and all I wanted to do was sit down with my guilty pleasure: a bottle of wine and "Bachelor in Paradise." However, after a quick glance at the fridge, I realized we needed a few things from the store first. Luke (the hubby) also burnt his finger that day at work, so being the dutiful wife that I am, I was just going to pick him up some bandaids at the store. I go to the store, get my goodies, and come home. Only to drop all of it to the ground when I get home. I mean wine bottle shattered, ice cream on the floor, the whole works. And then, I lost it. I really lost it. Luke called from the basement to ask what was wrong, and I threw the box of bandaids at him. That's correct. I hurled what was to be my gesture of kindness, at my own husband. Too bad my coffee didn't have an extra does of some PATIENCE that day. There are so many days when just a little more "something" would make all the difference. A little more energy at the end of the day to get to the gym when we really don't want to go. A little more positivity when it's been a crummy day. A little more kindness to the grocery store clerk when you're checking out. When I look back at all the moments that made a big difference, it's because someone chose to make a small difference with me. Like someone buying my coffee for me, or saying I had a good hair day. A little more feels like it takes a lot of extra effort sometimes, but think of the difference just one more deep breath would have made in the bandaid box situation. One little changed the entire outcome of the evening. In the chaos of a moment, this can be so hard! You're already strung all the way out, you might as well just continue the downward trend right? WRONG. Take the .02 seconds and think about the one little change you can make that will make all the difference. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap the harvest, if we do not give up. Sometimes it just takes a little more.
Man, does God ever put a bug in your ear that just wont leave you alone? For me, it's a word. I feel like He tries to teach me something through just a little phrase or statement, and for whatever season, that's my theme, and this time, I just can't get it out of my head so I thought I might share it with you! The theme is: enough. And I've seen it pop up in a couple of different ways. So to break it down, let's do a little recap. For those of you that don't know, I recently got married (like 2 weeks ago), and recently graduated (like 2 months ago). Talk about a whirlwind. (And, excuse this third side bar, but this also might be why I haven't had a lot of time to work on the blog lately, sorry dear readers.)
And throughout this whole process, I've felt like there hasn't been enough. Enough time, enough patience, enough memories. And I feel like I just kept searching and asking for more. Until, I finally heard the words "enough." We get so caught up in feeling like whatever we have isn't enough. Like the deadlines we have can't wait for just one second of a breath of fresh air. For me, it felt like there wasn't enough time in the day for all the things that needed done. Then, it started making me feel like my wedding day wouldn't be enough. That I wouldn't feel enough emotions, that there wouldn't be enough food, that my groom wouldn't have enough fun. Can you believe how convincing fear can be sometimes? My own wedding wasn't going to be enough for me you guys. Are you serious? That's the problem with our expectations. We set these standards with no real logical rubric, and then we get so caught up on meeting these expectations that no one set for us in the first place. And so that was my prayer. That my wedding day would be enough. That nothing would be missing, and nothing would be over the top, but rather at the end of the day. I could look back and say "That was just right." It was. It was the perfect day, all because I refused to linger on pointless expectations. I chose to be grateful, and present in every moment, and it was in that where I found my peace of mind and heart. And then moving on to the second kicker that came with the word enough. Sometimes, you have to say it. There is way too much that you can get caught up in in this world. The drama, the exhaustion, the over commitment. In a world that's convinced that multi-tasking should be the first human function, it's so easy to hyper-extend your energy. So sometimes you have to say "Enough." You have to say no. Sometimes you have to say no to good things, and sometimes you have to say no in order to preserve yourself for something much better. I truly believe it is better to bring a full cup to one table, than to bring multiple empty cups to a variety of different ones. Pick just one thing, and get really good at it. Maybe you've felt this way before, and maybe you haven't, but if this is something that's been weighing on you heart, then I encourage you to dive into this verse from Corinthians 12:9.
So, whatever you're going through, or whatever day you're having, I hope that it's just enough.
Raise your hand if you can remember a time where change was coming and you remember that feeling of "Oh, crap. What now?" If we were all in a room together, I can bet that every single one of you reading this would have your hands up high in the sky, and that makes sense. There's a theory in the realm of communication (aka my area of study) called "human uncertainty theory," that states that people literally just don't like change. We don't like when we don't know what's coming up next. We don't like to feel like we have no control over the situation. In general, we don't like anything when we don't know anything about it And yet here's me... facing graduation, a wedding, house hunting, job hunting, and plenty of other uncertain variables in my life all at once. Most people, like to do each of these one at a time, in chronological order. Step 1. Graduate College Step 2. Find a Job Step 3. Get married Step 4. Find a house. But the Lord so graciously blessed me with the gift of multitasking. So I will be doing these all at once. (I'm not sure blessed is the right word, but I'm trying to be grateful here.) And to be honest... it's been hard. It's hard knowing all of this change is coming and that there isn't much I can do about it. It's hard knowing that some of this change is going to be really good, and some of it is going to be really different. It's hard trying to figure out what the next step is, when you don't even know what the next 24 hours is going to look like. But it's a little easier when you know that you have really good people in your corner. It was with one of those really good people that I got a really good tip of advice that was...
Maybe that's not profound to you, but for me it really made a difference. Some of the hardest parts for me have been deciding how I should about all of these conflicting events. I should be really happy to be graduating, but I also feel I should be really sad that my career as a college student is over. I should be really happy that I'm getting married, but I'm also totally and completely overwhelmed when I think about how busy that day will be. I should be looking every day for a full time job, but I'm also entirely too scared when I scroll through job listings on LinkedIn. But here's the good news. You don't have to pick a side To some that might be common sense, but for me it was refreshing to recognize that I can all kinds of things all at once. I can be happy and sad, and there might be days that I'm squealing with joy about all of these upcoming events, but on other days I can be totally freaking out.
I don't know if any of you have ever watched "Inside Out," but it's one of my favorites and actually psychologists praise it because of it's accurate depiction of the human brain and how it deals with emotions. Anyways, at the end as Riley (the main character) starts growing up, her emotions start mixing all together. It's no longer just happiness that controls her brain at once. It's usually a mix of emotions that come with change, and in the end some of her most precious memories are a mixture of happiness and sadness, or joy and pain. Sometimes it takes feeling some loss to realize all that you have coming for you in the end. May is usually a big transition month for a lot of people. Maybe you’re graduating middle school or high school. Maybe your child is going off to college after the summer. Maybe you're trying to make a big move to a new place. I don't know what it is, but for me I think it's best to give myself permission to feel it all, and to feel it all at once no matter the uncertainty or comfortability. To say what I feel, and feel what I say. Because in the end, we only get to feel a lot of these things once. It's funny how much peace comes from a few page flips through a Good Book.
And it's funny how fast I forget that. January is always a hard month for me. New Year, New Plans, and New Expectations. I always tell myself that the hardest part is starting. As humans, we hate anything that implies uncertainty. It's why we always need answers to the questions, who, what, where, when and why. (My degree in communication theory proves this over and over again.) Not to mention, the month itself is just gross. If you're anything like me this weather really brings a girl down. Quite literally, there's such a thing called S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) where the change in weather, light, and temperatures actually affects your mood. Dark days and cold nights all play a factor in the moodiness that really starts to set in for me during this time. (Which is why my future husband has promised me a warm life on a beach somewhere. God bless his heart.) ANYWAYS, take that as you read it. Regardless, this month is rough for me, and maybe you feel that way too. Like starting is hard. Winter is hard. Cold is hard. It all feels hard. In fact, I usually can predict this seasonal moodiness, and that means I have to work a little harder than most people to keep on keepin on. And maybe you're right there with me. "Live above your circumstances." Man, that quote hit me like a moving truck as I was going through my devotionals this week. No, I don't mean live above people, or think you're better than anyone else. I mean, live above what the world tells you is truth, and instead set your eyes on things Above. It's simple really. What do you accept to be as your reality compared to what we know as real truth. Is the reality we create for ourselves based on what the world says? Is it hard to go back to school? To start a new job? To even just get through your daily routine? It can be. But. "There is surely a new hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off" Proverbs 23:18 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17 “And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” Revelation 21:5 Is that actual truth? Yes, and thank God Hallelujah that is true. Is it truth that we are never alone? Is it truth that God is always in control? And is it the truth that we are loved more than we could ever imagine even when it feels like we are the most unlovable? YES. Even when I have to remind myself of these 3 things every hour, because I am human and can do nothing on my own. And praise the Lord we were never expected to do so. Because we have Someone who's Above It. So when it feels hard and like we have no sense of direction of purpose. Maybe we should think about what's really true and be above.
And heaven forbid, anything or anyone gets in the way of what I've got planned for that day. You want a spontaneous coffee date? I'm sorry, it's not in the schedule. A phone call from my mom at the wrong time? Ignored. Rush hour traffic on Dodge Street? A fatal blow for my scheduled-to-the-minute plans.
I have all my homework scheduled two weeks in advance, the day-to-day tasks on a whiteboard in my room, to do lists on a notepad, and things to remember written in my phone as hourly reminders. I know all of the adjectives you could call me right now: control freak, obsessive, stressed, uptight, but I would just prefer to call it impecable time management. Or so I did. Let's switch gears here. Remember when you were little, and you'd be on the beach or maybe in a sandbox? I know when I'm out on the lake I love to dig my feet or hands into the sand. So picture this. Scoop a handful of sand into your palm, and just hold there. Feel it's weight, and notice the tiny overflow falling back to the ground. Now, I want you to squeeze the sand, as hard as you can, and watch your little mountain crumble into a small pile. Open your fist back up, and note how much sand you have left. You probably don't have much left. Funny how that works. The tighter you hold on to something, how much faster it falls apart. The harder you squeeze, the less you have left. To those of you who were calling me a control freak at the beginning of the post. You would be right. The more I tried to leave little to chance, the more I came up disappointed and empty handed. I tried doing everything on my own, came up short, and let myself down over and over again. I'd heard the sand metaphor from a mentor, and something inside of me just clicked. The more I clung to control and order, the more chaotic my life became, but as soon as I loosened the reigns a bit and gave up control to The One whose plans are way better than mine, the more I was able to find some breathing room in the day to day. Some days are still crazy. I've spilled coffee on myself more times than I can count. I've been late to work and class. I've gone negative in my bank account. By no means has giving up some control fixed all problems in my life, but at least when those things come up I can keep moving forward. It doesn't mean that my whole day has gone to waste. The funny thing about control is that we are always trying to handle something, trying to manage, manipulate, or maintain. Usually, that something isn't even a physical aspect. Our Somethings usually consists of time, relationships, or emotions. These somethings that we never even had control of in the first place. Life's a lot more enjoyable when you're living dear life, rather than clinging on for dear life. Give your mountain to The One who's moving mountains everyday for your sake anyways, because I promise the less that you squeeze, the more you breathe. So take some time, and play in the sand. I am back with a good-old-fashioned lifestyle blog. I don't know about you guys, but I am beyond ready for summer to begin, or at least I thought I was until summer actually happened. I am a creature of habit. For the past nine months it has been some variation of wake up, drink your coffee, read your bible, go to class, start on homework, go to work, finish homework, go have social hour type of schedule. When all of that came to a screeching halt last Thursday night after my final final (haha, what a pun), I really didn't know what to do with myself, and I still don't really know what to do with myself. Which got me thinking, what changed this summer compared to my past summers of unrelenting freedom? Well, a lot did actually. I mean, I'm embarking on my final years of college, not looking forward to a new seating chart in my next year's third grade classroom. Summers through the ages change quite a bit, and that's what I wanted to explore.
or at least approved by what my parents wanted. For me this meant lots of weekends spent at the lake. It amazes me how long ago this photo was taken. I remember thinking I was too old to be hanging out with my dad on a beach. Now, I believe I was exactly where I needed to be.
trying to maintain the friendships that got you here in the first place. Pretending that goodbye's will never come, and Nebraska sunsets will never change.
A co-worker and I were chatting across our desks the other day about how we didn't understand how everyone in the office was so content to just sit and work all day when it's so nice out. I replied by saying that maybe they just forgot what summer used to feel like before work came along. While it was sad, it was most likely true. As we get older summers get busier, and new priorites over come old ones. Work gets in the way of lake days, and money is spent on rent instead of slushies. It isn't the season that changes, it's us. So if you get the chance, find your elementary summer again, and run with it. Let me be the first to say that "Just be confident in yourself," is one of the hardest pieces of advice to take in and understand. So let's get vulnerable. This week was hard guys: homework piled up, new blemishes appeared, comparisons to others controlled the view of myself, and exhaustion over took my emotional control center so much so that by the time I got into the car on Monday night after classes and work, all it took was the door to shut for me to melt into a puddle of tears. "Why am I not good enough?" "Why can't I balance more things?" "Why can't I..?" the list of whys spun around and around. Thankfully, we have a God who is much more consistent. There's a few reasons for this melt down. For one, I am human, and because I am human I'm going to fall down and face plant a lot more times than I will ever care to admit. Because I am human, I am going to wake up to bad hair days, new zits, crazy schedules and that's just called life. Sometimes it takes just sitting in the not so pretty as you realize that you're not perfect, and you're never going to have to be. Why? Because my God takes a look at my bruised knees, messy hair, and over crowded planner and still says every day, "I chose you." Emotions are hard. They are controlling fickle little things that have the ability to take the "you look good today," comment that you told yourself as you left the house this morning, and turn it into "you don't look nearly as good as her," the second your foot steps out the door and into the real world. My head went there so many times this week, and every time God would nudge me and say "I didn't design you to be like her, I designed you to be you." (1 Samuel 16: 7) And STILL there are some days where even my emotions can override the voice of My Creator and say that I am not going to be enough, but we aren't we so lucky because God didn't chose us because we are lovely, we are lovely because he chose us. Let me say it one more time for the people in the back... God didn't chose us because we are lovely, we are lovely because He chose us. Confidence in ourselves isn't the key. Confidence in God is. Confidence that He can and will give us the assurance, hope and boldness that we didn't know we had inside ourselves because we are merely human. Confidence gets hard because to rely on ourselves and our own abilities is to rely on something unreliable. Emotions change, hair days go from bad to worse, but God stays the same.
And that's something you can always be confident in. Terrible twos, you have just met your match.
I wish I could remember what turning two felt like. I can imagine there was probably some excitement in the air, but probably only from my mom and dad who couldn't believe that their baby girl was finally learning how to talk and walk on her own. Today, I woke up in my very own apartment. I logged onto Facebook to read birthday wishes from far away, wishing they could celebrate with me. Tonight, I will get to enjoy the company of people who love me, and my mom and dad will make a phone call to say that they can't believe their baby girl is all grown up. Funny how time can creep up on us like that. The terrible two's were all just an adjustment period though. A time of newfound independence. Where I learned how to say "I can do this by myself," and always always always asking "what's that?" I learned how to make distinctions about when I was hungry, or tired, or bored. And it's even funnier how time doesn't change much either. Most people argue that your 20's are the best years of your life. A time where you gain from your newfound independence, and wanting to do everything on your own. Constantly trying to learn new things you find yourself always always always asking what, why and how? Sound familiar anyone? It should, because I feel like my terrible twos and my, soon to be, terrible twenties don't look that different. In my 20 years of life my new found independence has gotten me into college, found my first apartment and an internship with the job of my dreams. I'm constantly learning new things: who I am, what I like and what I don't, and how I want to spend the rest of my life. I'm learning how to make distinctions of what my adult body needs to function properly, because let's be real this isn't a high school body anymore. I'm growing just as much now as I was when I turned two. There's something to be said statistically about turning twenty. Figuratively, I have completed one fourth of my life expectancy, seen two decades fly by, and am halfway to forty. Emotionally, I still act like I'm two sometimes. I cry when I get frustrated, tired, or when I don't get my way (and occasionally if I'm REALLY hungry.) I still smile at almost anything, and adore getting attention. Only difference is... I'm learning most of this on my own. It's ironic that as my record player spins around playing my old Taylor Swift albums, I realize I'm closer to being twenty-two than I am to having been fifteen. Lookin back at fifteen, and all of the years in between, there's plenty more things that at age two I didn't know. I didn't know what falling in love would feel like, or what pursuing your passions in life meant. I hadn't discovered my love of coffee, writing, or music. I didn't know I would suck at high school basketball, and that bangs in middle school were never really in. I didn't know that out of heartbreak comes knowledge and perseverance- or that leading a happy lifestyle has everything to do with balance. And if that's what the world has to teach me in twenty short years, I can't wait to look back and tell you all what I've learned by age sixty. So...Here's to the terrible, tiresome, terrific and timeless twenties everyone. This girl is back at school, and (possibly) ready to go.
For those of you who don't know, my freshman year of college was tough, and by tough I mean it was one of the toughest years of my life, and, unfortunately, that is not an exaggeration. Between the homesickness, unfamiliar territory, and intensified education I was ready to call it quits after my first semester. Christmas break came and went, as did a wake up call. It wasn't about having a perfect semester anymore, it was simply about having a better one. In all honesty, as humans we shouldn't be allowed to use the word perfect, because none of us are and never will be. Unfortunately for us, we live in a society that doesn't believe the same thing. Always wanting more, or the next best thing we live a life of unrelenting expectations. Never satisfied, we search and search looking for something to somehow make us feel better, trying to have the perfect look, life, or for me, college experience. This revelation hit me around New Years, and then again this fall when going back to school and setting some goals as a meaning of productivity. Life isn't going to be perfect, which is also to say it's never going to be always fair, always easy, or always compliant. It is what it is, and you play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability. With going back to school, I had to make a change. Even if it was a little one, just something to make my year go a little better than the last one. This didn't mean my life took a 180 degree turn around, it was more like a 1 degree turn every day. Whether that was getting into The Word, making healthy meal choices, or working out three days out of the week. By the end of the semester I had done 180 degrees. And little by little I made a difference. It's not about having that perfect day, or even a great day at that. It's choosing to be better, because when you say "perfection" you've literally just set out on mission impossible. Life happens, expectations remain unmet, and disappointment ensues as imperfection is inevitable. But when all you want is better, you suddenly give yourself a chance. You leave room in your day to smile at people, sip on a cup of coffee, or do something with a friend, and slowly but surely those little moments during the day are all you can remember when you go to sleep. The word "better" simply means improvement. Surpassing what you can already do, and moving onto the next level. Perfect is a never met standard, (unless of course you're the second coming of Christ, in which case, we need to have a little chat) and something you can chase after but never meet because that's an impassable standard. Challenge yourself to simply be better. Take a deep breath, lean in, and find something you can do to rest easy at night. |
Purpose:To express, explain, and exclaim the lessons life continually throws at me, and my take on how to deal. Archives
December 2021
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